For the most part, I glance in the mirror only briefly to check my hair (what’s left of it) or to straighten my tie. Absent-mindedly, I may notice small things as I brush my teeth.
On those rare occasions when I stop to look at the whole package that is me; however, I’m always surprised and not pleasantly. Do I really hold that stance? Is that the posture of my shoulders? Is my waist that prominent all the time? Is this how I project myself? This is completely different than how I see myself when I’m out in the public world! I’ve always pictured a more together person, more presentable than the reflection I witness in the mirror. It’s like hearing your recorded voice and wincing at the sound; as if it’s camouflaging what you believe is your true message. What a disappointment! What a shock!
If that’s my real presence, it’s a wonder others take me seriously or actually enjoy my company. I sometimes feel like I’ve crafted a long- standing message only to realize I’ve been misunderstood all this time. I could try to suck in my gut, maybe square my shoulders and deepen my voice, but I’m sure eventually, I would slump back into the reality I see in the mirror. Instead, I wish everyone else could see the imaginary me, the better me. That’s what I want them to see; not the testimony from my mirror.
On the other hand, my colleagues still choose to work alongside me. My family loves me and my friends still call. From their perspective, my presence with them is genuine and tolerable.
Perhaps they experience these epiphanies too from time to time. Maybe they too get shaken by the chasm between what’s real and what we think is real about ourselves. If that’s the case, I shouldn’t be so insecure the next time I’m awakened to the reflection that is me and I should try not to judge others.
I’ll still be disappointed and hope for a better me the next time I’m checking myself out, but I won’t curse at the mirror; or at least not with such deep profanity.
THE WATER MIRROR
On a calm day, I gently lean my head over the side of the boat and enjoy my reflection on the surface of the water. The liquid-still image is clean and clear; framed by nature and by natural light. This composition hides some scars and I appear the way I should.
Until those ripples! Those tiny waves distort my face and I struggle to retrieve even small traces of what I thought was me. The reflection was deceivingly shallow. I quickly right myself in the boat and erase the image in the water mirror.
B. Toner 2016