Monthly Archives: October 2022

Now or Next

In other pieces, I know I’ve written about giving each season their merit instead of always waiting for the benefits of the next one. This can be a challenge for me. After all, it’s less work to thrive under the summer sun than to shovel in the winter wind. Similar to stages in life; we experience joys and disappointments as a consequence of our longevity. Eventually, we cast our hopes to the next phase or the one following the next phase; recognizing how each season of the journey carries drawbacks and benefits.

I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to drive a car and yet the ownership of a vehicle later in life was daunting. I sought a permanent employment contract to better plan for my future, and yet the moments of job uncertainty provided freedom for adventures. I wanted to lighten my work life, but missed the daily energy that comes with solving problems.

I find myself still trying to figure out what experiences are worth accumulating during each cycle and what each stage requires of me. What wisdom can I gather and what will the next steps be?

I think I need to learn to let the next phase just slide willingly into my life while focusing on what I’m facing in the present. Predict; if I can. Plan; sure. Be mindful of the present; absolutely! Putting this goal into practice is a constant work in progress: a life in all seasons.

What does Autumn ask?

What does Autumn ask of us?
To collect and store our comfort
To wipe away our summer sweat
To let blossoms fall and cozy to the soil
To colour joy into Mother Nature's shift

What does Winter ask of us?
To muffle the sharpness under a blanket of white
To respect the wind blowing
To search for internal sources of warmth
To thrive boldly in the harshest beauty

What does Spring ask of us?
To share her schedule for hope
To recall the noises of the natural
To work losses into nourishing the future
To rally sleepers into celebrating possibilities

What does Summer ask of us?
To bathe in sand, surf and sunflowers
To permit blue skies and golden rays to soothe
To recognize the moving, spotted shade
To commit to the companionship of the panorama

What does Autumn ask of us?
To ............

B. Toner    October 2022
 

Disconnecting the Dark

I’m not usually comfortable exploring the darker places on the emotional scale. I can easily be frightened of the possible downward spiral, conjured up by my vivid imagination. (Probably why I never enjoy horror movies.) I’m slowly learning that if you ignore these shadows, they tend to grow.
My harsh words to a loved one – my clumsy tumble in front of others – my mistakes on the job that affect my co workers. Shame and guilt can build up, overlap, blurring lines and meshing them into big, ominous clouds.
Various credible authors suggests I need to spend time with these negative feelings. (Not dwell on them, but rather spend time deciphering them.)

With careful thought, I may conclude that although my words and actions have been regrettable, hurtful even, they don’t make up my entirety. My perspective, my esteem, while in these negative spaces, may be skewed. It’s possible that my wrongful words were not connected to my tumble, or that my tumble was not connected to my mistakes with colleagues. Each fall/error may not be connected, may be unrelated. Therefore, they are not so overwhelming, so all-defining. Taking the time to break down each fault may lessen their impact on me and on others. Shedding light on them breaks apart the shadow.

So maybe the sum of the parts is greater than the whole; unless your light discovers the cracks and breaks them apart into manageable mistake.

Smaller Shadows

Shame weighs down
Heavily
Robbing the dignity needed to support the spine
Twisting into the shape of self-doubt

A mess of shadows blends into a silhouette
Merging too many fractures, 
Camouflaged even from the mirror

Gasps become too desperate to hear
Blood rushing, but not to the tongue
No momentum for words to escape

Not a rescue, but a light is required
Light from anywhere on the spectrum

Exposing the seems, the cracks, 
Makes honest reflection possible 
Shrinks the sum into parts

Shining from the outside
Bleeds into the interior
Reduces the mass into minors, into manageables

Glowing warmth expands the lungs 
Makes restoration possible
Eases the shoulders into full breaths

I am not helpless in your pain
I shimmer for you stranger
Breathe with me
Break the whole dark into slivers
Slivers dulled by strong postures
Until we face the sun on our own

B.Toner Oct. 2022