Monthly Archives: January 2019

Not Without Merit

My friend has a neurological condition that he is compelled to disclose sometimes. The label grants him access to some programs and much needed supports that can help level the playing field in society. On the other hand, many don’t peel back that label to see the person and instead make limited judgement. Case in point, he met a new co-worker a few months back. This colleague learned about my friend’s condition, singled him out by offering him a drink and by loudly explaining that he had a sister with the same condition who also needed special attention. The gesture of the drink was meant to help, but instead it dismissed my friend and made him feel embarrassed in front of others. The giver was attempting to make a connection both to his own world and to my friend. It was driven by sympathy and not welcomed. As painful as it was, the event was not without merit. It demonstrated the desire to connect but was carelessly executed.

For another example, consider the strong bond we create within our close relationships. The more we dedicate ourselves to the attachment, the deeper the impact on our lives. Sadly, many of those relationships break down. The experiences cause deep hurt and require lots of healing. Yet most would agree that the intimacy was not without merit.

Throughout my regular and not so regular, daily obstacles, I continuously struggle to recognize the merit in these challenges. Then I wonder if perhaps the search for merit actually gives birth to it.

Just…This…Breath

This one is through gritted teeth. This one I’m letting go. This one taste bitter. This one goes unnoticed by my company. This one was lost for a moment.

Unique in a pattern of vital repetition, enough to sustain me for this moment,

Merit in just… this…breath.

This one is slow and easy. This one stretches my chest. This one I can hear with my eyes closed. This one is holding my head above water. This one needs me to dig deep.

Unique in a pattern of vital repetition, enough to sustain me for this moment,

Merit in just…this…breath.

This one is short and unsatisfying. This one prepares me to shout. This one I’m holding onto. This one tickles my throat.   This one shrinks my anger.              

Unique in a pattern of vital repetition, enough to sustain me for this moment,

Merit in just…this…breath.

B.Toner January 2019