When talking to my son at the close of the day, I usually start with something that I know he can easily explain or quickly respond: How was lunch? What did you do during your free time? I also keep in mind what people counsel me to do: focus on the positive events occurring throughout those hours apart. Family relationships with adolescents can be stressful and if we are quick to bring up what went wrong, logically we run the risk of overstretching that tender bond.
On the other hand, if I dismiss the negative too quickly, am I piling on to unreal expectations? We don’t want those close to us to think that things going wrong is unusual or in some way makes them less; even when the nasty event was caused by our loved ones. My son and others need to accept the choices they make and learn from them. By avoiding this vital discussion, I’m missing out on the opportunity to grow.

Perhaps my question should be “What did you learn from your choices today? Whether they were the right or wrong choices?” Maybe it’s a question I should be reflecting on myself. That’s a difficult habit to get into, but trying it as a parent who errs frequently might save my son from thinking that screwing up during the day makes him different from anyone else. It could remove some of our shame.

“What did I learn from my choices today?”

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite opportunity.”

B. Toner